Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Role Playing Pubcrawl General Note This is one of a series of role-playing pub crawls written for meetings of the Oxford University Douglas Adams Society and possibly of general interest to others. All are based on various works of literature in different media familiar to members of the Society. Of course the originals involved are still in copyright, so the author of these pubcrawls has no right to profit from the use of the material, despite the large amounts of original writing that have been put into them. We can only say that anyone who performs these pubcrawls is very welcome to do so. This series includes many other pubcrawls. These pubcrawls were written for performance in Oxford, and thus if they instruct participants to visit particular pubs, these pubs are generally found within quite a small area of that city. This can very easily be altered to fit in with any location in which the pubcrawl is per formed: other details can be similarly altered (times changed to suit local licensing laws, for instance), and usually any Oxford-specific references can be excised, adapted or else conveniently ignored. The exception is the Sandman pubcrawl, which has a note appended explaining the options, but can still be performed elsewhere with ease. If the number of people available for a pubcrawl is not identical with the number of characters listed in these texts, the pieces can be adapted accordingly: several have "extras" (usually found at the end) who are unnecessary for the plot but can be added to make up the numbers; in others, certain characters can be removed without grave detriment to the plot, at the discretion of the organiser (who may wish to edit the other characters' intructions accordingly). The Hitch-Hiker pubcrawl, in particular, was designed for a society Freshers' event, at which the number arriving was utterly unpredictable, and so is written for a number of participants from ten to about thirty. Inserting new characters would also be a viable approach, if anyone were feeling creative... Standard practice has been to give each participant a copy of the title page (if any) and introductory sheet (if any), and a copy of one character's instruction sheet(s). A map, with the pubs marked on it, may be a useful aid, unless enough players know the pubs in the area well. Participants are given the instructions that they are to play the roles allocated to the best of their improvisational ability, and (usually) to drink a lot as well. As observed in the introduction to the Hitch-Hiker pubcrawl, the comedy effect arises when obeying the latter instruction renders people unable to carry out the former. Organiser's charts are provided so that the person mounting the pubcrawl is able to tell who should be where at any particular point. The organiser may participate or observe as he/she wishes; sometimes there is an obvious part for the organiser to play if he/she does take a role, sometimes it may be amusing to take one of the more minor ones. The important thing is that the organiser does not use his/her superior knowledge to bugger the plot. You are encouraged to pass any of these pubcrawls on to any contacts you may have who you feel would be interested, by email or post or any other medium that entertains you. If anyone organising one of these events were to feel moved to send a gratuitous and quite unnecessary present of money as a contribution to DougSoc funds (say a pound, dollar or nearest local equivalent collected from each participant) to the society, we can be reached at this address:v The Oxford University Douglas Adams Society c/o University Offices Wellington Square Oxford OX1 2JD UNITED KINGDOM I mention this merely for information. SHARE AND ENJOY. Author's note Along with the general and individual instructions to this pubcrawl, we handed out maps pointing out the locations of the various pubs, each of which represented one planet, restaurant or spiritual plane. The ones we used in Oxford were: The Turf (EARTH) , The Wheatsheaf (URSA MINOR BETA), The Three Goats' Heads (MILLIWAYS), The Bear (THE AFTERLIFE). Please feel free to choose your own. Number of characters minimum 10, maximum 27+ Male minimum 9, maximum 23+ Female minimum 1, maximum 4, but cross-dressing is utterly allowable. Mr Adams' books aren't always that good on women. Number of pubs 4 Props A set of cricket stumps and bails, representing the Wikkit Gate, and painted or labelled accordingly. (Probably labelled is better, unless you happen to have some perspex-coloured paint about you) The Oxford University Douglas Adams Society is proud and slightly unnerved to present THE GREAT HITCH-HIKING ROLE-PLAYING PUB-CRAWL Yes, it's time to demonstrate your multifarious talents for acting, improvising, memorising Adams quotes, drinking insanely and generally behaving very oddly in public, in the largest, most spectacular, most original and beyond doubt the most utterly and albatross-defyingly weird event to happen in the history of the Universe itself! Or at least this week. If you are a seasoned veteran on the role-playing pubcrawl circuit, and are never happier than when combining the acting skills of an Olivier with the drinking skills of, um, someone who drinks quite a lot - then sit back and enjoy, this is going to be the big one. If, on the other hand, you are quite new to to the concept and cannot, for instance, see how drinking far too much is consistent with staying upright, let alone in character, then the following explanation may be of service to a greater or lesser degree. Each player is allocated a character to play during the course of the evening, and given basic notes on who the character is, their personality, their drinking habits and so on. You should make as good an attempt as you can to "be" that character during the course of the evening. You will be given instructions as to which pub you should be at when, and notes on any specific actions your character must perform while there. You are also given notes on how to relate to some of the other characters, though you should note that, depending on logistical complications, you may not meet all of these people. Beyond the scope of these instructions, you are entirely free to behave however you feel the character would. Your ability to do this will naturally be eroded during the course of the evening as you consume more and more drinks (which is part of the comedy value), but at least the vague guidelines should be adhered to for as long as you can actually read them. You will find the general background to the story and the individual instructions for your character overleaf. Now, as they say, read on... Copyright notice: DougSoc produces possibly the only pub-crawls in the Universe which have a plot. Apart from some people in Bath who we nicked the idea off. Oh, what a giveaway. DEATH OF A WIKKIT KEEPER Long ago, in the dawn of galactic history, before the Krikkit Wars decimated the Galaxy, when the Wikkit Gate was forged, there was set up an ancient and distinguished order known as the Guardians Of Time, The Universe And All That Stuff. In every age, the long-forgotten founders decreed, five beings would exist to guard the five elements of the Wikkit Gate, the symbol of the happy utopia that the Galaxy then was. When separated, each of the parts of the Gate was merely a funny-shaped piece of stuff: when joined together, the Gate gave its bearer mystic powers over life, death and the laws of the Universe itself. The five Guardians decided that this was altogether too much of a good thing, and so they decreed that the five elements would be eternally separated until the Universe was ready for beings of such power. Each member of the order was given the function of keeping one of the five objects in safety: the Guardian of Strength and Power, who guarded the Steel Pillar; the Guardian of Prosperity, who was responsible for the Gold Bail; the Guardian of Science and Reason, into whose keeping the Perspex Pillar was entrusted; the Guardian of Peace, who looked after the Silver Bail; and the Guardian of Nature and Spirituality, who kept leaving the Wooden Pillar lying around at the standing stones after druidic meetings and often had to be severely talked to by his four fellows. As the five Guardians grew older, it was agreed that each would train a successor to follow him or her in the order, and that throughout history there would always be five Guardians Of Time, The Universe And All That, keeping in sacred trust each of the five elements. After the various galactic diasporas caused by the Krikkit Wars, the Great Collapsing Hrung Disaster and other interstellar catastrophes, the five lines of Guardians became separated, and none of them knew where the other parts of the Wikkit Gate were to be found. [Since the original Wikkit Gate was in the keeping of the Guardians, it was, as galactic historians have recently discovered, a cheap plastic imitation which was used to lock the Slo-Time Envelope around the planet of Krikkit and which was relatively rece ntly recovered from the space-time continuum. The original Gate was altogether more unimaginably dangerous.] All of which was very nice and mystic, until the recent discovery of the messily splatted body of one Paul Neil Milne Johnson, of Redbridge, Essex, Earth, together with a rather plantive note written in absolutely excruciating verse, which explained that he was the last Guardian of Power and Strength, and that his untimely demise rather suggested that someone must have the Steel Pillar who shouldn't really have it, and it would be nice if somebody would do something about this before things get a bit out of hand. This has thrown many of the most tireless campaigners after right in the galaxy into rather a panic, and some of them are currently trying to trace the other four Guardians, while others try to track down the murderer who has stolen the Steel Pillar. What this has to do with wandering around pubs trying to drink too much is anybody's guess. Dramatis Personae 1 Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz 2 Max Quordlepleen 3 The Man in the Shack 4 Elvis Presley ("The King") 5 The Great Prophet Zarquon 6 Arthur Philip Dent 7 Ford Prefect 8 Trillian Astra 9 Zaphod Beeblebrox I 10 Marvin the Paranoid Android 11 Tricia McMillan 12 Garkbit the Waiter 13 Colin 14 Fenchurch 15 Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged 16 Mr L Prosser 17 The Dish of the Day 18 Vann Harl 19 Random Frequent Flier Dent 20 Rob McKenna 21 Roosta 22 The Bodyguard 23 Hotblack Desiato 24 Slartibartfast 25 Murray Bost Henson 26 Zarniwoop 27 Oolon Colluphid Chorus of Vogon Guards PROSTETNIC VOGON JELTZ Character Bureaucratic, bad-tempered, officious, callous. Frustrated poet who takes extreme sadistic pleasure in reciting poetry to anyone he can force to listen. Owner of InfiniDim Enterprises, publisher of The Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and not afraid to use it. Motivations You are, predictably enough, the murderer of the Guardian of Strength and Power: you have in your keeping the Steel Pillar, which you are not going to give to anyone else under any circumstances, unless perhaps you get paralytically drunk. You are spe nding the evening trying to track down the other four Guardians and take the components of the Wikkit Gate from them by force, so that you can assemble the Gate and achieve power beyond all imagining, then be very nasty to people for a bit. Drinking Habits You get all your kicks from mindless sadism and writing poetry, so any drinking you do will be an optional extra. Reactions to Other Characters General: Be very unpleasant to anybody you may meet, and read them your poetry if you feel like it at all. Rob McKenna: He annoys you with his endless whingeing about the weather. Kill him. Murray Bost Henson: He's just annoying generally. Kill him too. Vann Harl: He is too powerful and might become a threat. Kill him. Zarniwoop: Kill him because you feel like it. Dish of the Day: Eat it. Preferably curried. The Bodyguard: If he threatens you, kill him instantly. Vogon Guards: Order them around, it's what they're there for. Also any employees of InfiniDim Enterprises. ITINERARY: 8:30-9:00 EARTH Try to find out if any Guardians are present. Kill anyone you have to just before you leave for Ursa Minor. 9:00-9:30 URSA MINOR BETA Continue to search for Guardians. Kill anyone you have to just before you leave. 9:30-10:00 MILLIWAYS Continue your search, and order dinner as well. 10:00-10:30 MILLIWAYS Pick a fight with anyone who annoys you. Eventually you storm out and use the technique of reverse temporal engineering to destroy the entire planet. 10:30 onwards THE AFTERLIFE Unfortunately an unpredicted backlash kills you as well, so you proceed to the afterlife. Practical Notes Don't kill anyone you're not instructed to, just threaten them a lot. Use any Guards you have been given to full effect. MAX QUORDLEPLEEN Character Fun-for-all-the-family comedy entertainer at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe. Think Bob Monkhouse on acid. Motivations As well as being a small-time variety entertainer, you are the Guardian of Prosperity, and have in your possession the Gold Bail. The password you use to recognise other Guardians runs as follows: Q: My brother, for what reason is it written that the flightless domestic fowl traversed the path of the iron horse? A: The reason given, brother, is that it desired to approach the alternative boundary. Myself, I think it was just pissed. You will only use this under extreme circumstances, however, as you fear for the safety of the Universe if anyone should find out your identity. If you meet someone whom you feel you can trust, you may, under extreme circumstances, initiate them as your successor and pass the Pillar on to them. Drinking Habits It's a stressful job. Reactions to Other Characters General: Suspicion, disguised by the surface affability of a popular entertainer. You circulate in a jokey and condescending manner with people, never forgetting your higher destiny. Garkbit: You feel a strong dislike for the waiter, who you feel looks down on your work. Random Dent: "But seriously folks, where would we be without the kids?". Horrible little cow. Hotblack Desiato: Petty professional jealousy. The Great Prophet Zarquon: Stunned awe (but you try and incorporate him into your show anyway). Elvis Presley: You are overwhelmed to meet The King in the flesh, and immediately press him to sing at Milliways sometime. ITINERARY: 8:30-9:00 MILLIWAYS You circulate among the customers during a break in your show. In a halfhour musical interval, you nip off secretly to Earth to investigate your fellow-Guardian's death. 9:00-9:30 EARTH Pretending to be a minor local showbiz celebrity, you quiz the inhabitants about anything strange that may have been happening lately. 9:30-10:00 MILLIWAYS You return and continue your show. 10:00-10:30 MILLIWAYS Elvis arrives and you introduce his act. 10:30 onwards THE AFTERLIFE You are disconcerted when the entire planet is suddenly demolished, and you find yourself in the afterlife. THE MAN IN THE SHACK Character By your own theories, non-existent. You think that maybe you think, therefore maybe you are, but you can never be sure. As for anything else existing, forget it. Motivations As someone who disbelieves in the entire existence of the Universe, you are the perfect person for the job of Guardian of Science and Reason. You believe you have in your possession the Perspex Pillar, but you may not have. You seem to be aware of the following password for identifying other Guardians: Q: My brother, for what reason is it written that the flightless domestic fowl traversed the path of the iron horse? A: The reason given, brother, is that it desired to approach the alternative boundary. Myself, I think it was just pissed. But you are well aware you could just be imagining this. You will give away the Perspex Pillar if you feel like it at all. Drinking Habits "Perhaps I would like a glass of whisky. Yes, that seems more likely." Reactions to Other Characters General: Disbelief in them. If they adore you or annoy you, it's all the same to you as they probably don't exist. ITINERARY: 8:30-9:00 URSA MINOR BETA You react to your surroundings as it occurs to you to do. 9:00-9:30 MILLIWAYS You do the same, only you think it is probable you could do with something to eat. 9:30-10:00 EARTH You drink some more and observe some people. 10:00-10:30 MILLIWAYS You enjoy the show. 10:30 onwards THE AFTERLIFE Knowledge of your own existence is unexpectedly forced on you when the entire planet is demolished and you die. The shock is considerable, and you need quite a few more drinks to cope. ELVIS PRESLEY Character Aged galactic rock'n'roll heart-throb. Usually so stoned any attention your surroundings might receive is focussed in altogether more interesting spheres. But God you're a great singer. Motivations As well as being the greatest singer the Universe has ever known, you are the Guardian of Peace and have in your possession the Silver Bail. The password you use to recognise other Guardians runs as follows: Q: My brother, for what reason is it written that the flightless domestic fowl traversed the path of the iron horse? A: The reason given, brother, is that it desired to approach the alternative boundary. Myself, I think it was just pissed. The fact that you spend most of your life stoned or at least on a different planet from the one your mind is on, however, means you forget this for large swathes of time, and indeed have difficulty remembering what the funny gold thing is, who you are, or anything at all except the music. Drinking Habits Yeah. Reactions to Other Characters General: Bewildered mellowness. Max Quordlepleen: You are pleased by his invitation to sing at Milliways, and promise to take him up on it. ITINERARY: 8:30-9:00 EARTH You are rather too spaced-out to realise you have returned to your original home. Everyone's awe at you seems perfectly reasonable. 9:00-9:30 EARTH 9:30-10:00 URSA MINOR BETA You feel the urge, for reasons you're not quite sure of, to visit this planet. You don't like it much so you go away again after a bit. 10:00-10:30 MILLIWAYS You fulfil your promise to sing at Max Quordlepleen's joint. 10:30 onwards THE AFTERLIFE You suddenly find yourself dead when the planet is unexpectedly demolished. Wow. THE GREAT PROPHET ZARQUON Character Ageing and semi-senile demigod. Founder of one of the galaxy's major religions. Now unfortunately deceased, but you manage to pop back occasionally and see how the Universe is managing. Terminally vague, apologetic and confused. Motivations Mainly worry. During your stint at being alive, you were entrusted with the position of Guardian of Nature and Spirituality, and have carried the Wooden Pillar with you ever since. You know there is a password you are supposed to use to recognise other Guardians, but you've never been very good at remembering that sort of thing. Your function now as receptionist to the afterlife keeps you rather busy these days, leaving very little time to visit the Universe. You have, naturally, tried to keep track of the other four pieces of the Wikkit Gate, and know that your three fellow-Gua rdians are a pop star chap, somebody who works at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe, and the President of the Galaxy or someone... You also remember that the Steel Pillar has been stolen by some Vogon or other. You are very worried, and feel that things might well turn out badly. You would like to tell one of the Guardians who the others are, but with the current state of your memory this will be fraught with difficulties. You have to content yourself with brief spectral visitations and he lpful advice during the brief gaps in your receptionist's job, but you are always rather too vague to actually be of any use. Drinking Habits Only mineral water. Well, unless things get very bad. Reactions to Other Characters General: Nervous benevolence. Helpful and fatherly advice which is generally received rather badly. ITINERARY: 8:30-9:00 MILLIWAYS You manifest yourself at the Restaurant, but get rather drawn into the floor show and forget what you came for. 9:00-9:30 THE AFTERLIFE You receive anyone who may arrive, help them to settle in and find their bearings, then think about manifesting yourself somewhere to see what's going on and help people a bit. 9:30-10:00 THE AFTERLIFE As above. 10:00-10:30 THE AFTERLIFE As above. 10:30 onwards THE AFTERLIFE There is a sudden influx of custom as an entire planet is destroyed. You get terribly flustered and have to be reassured by lots of people that you're doing your job properly. Practical Notes Sometimes you may get nobody turning up dead at all. In this case go and interfere elsewhere. Yours is a high and lonely destiny. ARTHUR DENT Character Bewildered and English. Motivations Most frequently, confusion. You know you ought to be tracking down this Wikkit Gate thing, but can't quite understand what it is or why it's so important, though you imagine it must be something unimaginably dangerous. You do your best to try to track d own any Guardians or look after any pieces of the Wikkit Gate that may come your way, but to be honest it's all rather above your head. Drinking Habits You could really do with a cup of tea. Reactions to Other Characters General: Bewilderment. Elvis Presley: You never at any stage realise who he is. He's an OK singer, you suppose. Tricia McMillan: You mistake her for Trillian. It takes you really quite a while to realise. Fenchurch: You are hopelessly in love with her, but if you think that will help the Universe make sense you're wrong. Prosser: You can't stand the man. He destroyed your home, dammit. Rob McKenna: Irritated boredom. Murray: Irritated friendship tempered with a little homicidal frustration. Jeltz: As for Prosser, only more so. And you really dislike his poetry. Marvin: Initial pleasure at seeing him, soon tempered by tired confusion when you remember what he's actually like. Zaphod: Good old-fashioned British dislike. Slartibartfast: You actually rather like the old chap. He seems to share some of your problems with your lifestyle. Ford: You are appalled to see him, it means things are about to get a good deal worse. But at least he can explain some things to you. Trillian: Or perhaps Trillian can instead. Random: You really have quite a lot of trouble coping with this one. Your daughter? Daughter in what sense? Yours in what sense? You need this explained rather a lot of times before you get the hang of it. ITINERARY: 8:30-9:00 EARTH You return to yet another alternative version of your home, to try and find any other Guardians who may be around. Things get a little confusing, though. 9:00-9:30 URSA MINOR BETA You come here to continue your search, but being confused seems easier. 9:30-10:00 URSA MINOR BETA What? I don't understand. 10:00-10:30 MILLIWAYS You feel that there may at least be some tea at a restuarant. 10:30 onwards THE AFTERLIFE You are bewildered to find yourself dead when you haven't been to Stavromula Beta yet. If you're expecting anything to make sense now, don't bother. FORD PREFECT Character Alcoholic but quick-thinking hedonist in search of a good time. Motivations You have been press-ganged against your will by Zaphod Beeblebrox to search for the five components of the Wikkit Gate on the grounds that it could make you money in brain-buggering quantities. You'd really rather be having a good time somewhere, but to placate Zaphod you make a desultory effort to track down any Guardians you may meet or components of the Gate you may find lying around. Drinking Habits These are in fact your main motivation. You should feel out of character unless you drink twice as much as most other people. Reactions to Other Characters General: No general rule. You think on your feet with regard to all of them. Marvin: Resigned weariness. Colin: You have altered the robot to a state of permanent euphoria, making him a useful tool for anything you need to do, like overpowering people or getting drinks. Vann Harl: Extreme dislike. If you stood for anything in particular, he would be opposed to all you stand for. Roosta: An old friend. Albeit a weird one. Zarniwoop: Smug git. Slartibartfast: Tolerant irritation. Zaphod: Infuriated friendship: you have no hesitation in telling him what you think of him, whenever you do. Damn good drinking companion, though. Random: Horrible kid. Jeltz: Ugghhhh. You really dislike Vogons. Even more than you dislike kids. Elvis Presley: You are utterly awed to meet him. Arthur: You know and trust him intimately but dread seeing him because he's always so incredibly confused about absolutely everything... Trillian: Old friend. You have this unfortunate tendency to find her (or indeed anyone vaguely like her) far too attractive when you're drunk. Hotblack Desiato: An old and valued friend who you are rather unnerved to find is on the immobile side these days. ITINERARY: 8:30-9:00 URSA MINOR BETA You start at the Guide offices, find a lot of people you don't like very much, and leave after a fairly unconvincing attempt to do some investigation. 9:00-9:30 MILLIWAYS You come here to get drunk, and find Zaphod to do it with. 9:30-10:00 MILLIWAYS You continue with this plan... 10:00-10:30 MILLIWAYS ...for quite a while. You try and get off with anyone it occurs to you to. 10:30 onwards THE AFTERLIFE In your inebriated state it takes you quite a while to realise that the planet has been blown up and you're entirely dead. TRILLIAN ASTRA Character Pushy non-dumb non-blonde galactic journalist. Motivations You have a strong, if unfashionable, desire to save the Universe, and are accordingly applying most of your considerable intellect towards finding the remaining Guardians Of Time, The Universe And All That Stuff and reassembling the Wikkit Gate. You are quite pushy about this, as you feel it's really quite important. Drinking Habits The Universe comes first, but then again you're probably going to need quite a lot of help with this evening... Reactions to Other Characters Zaphod: You're very fond of him, but he's being extremely infuriating. You're finding it interesting to see how long you can go without leaving him. Random: Your daughter by a sperm bank is a source of endless worry and frustration to you, when you're not thinking about more important things. You vaguely disapprove of most of the things she feels she wants to do, and especially of the sort of men she seems to be into. Elvis Presley: You are startled to meet him, but have other things on your mind. Marvin: You try to sympathise, but fail. Tricia McMillan: The discovery of your alternate self throws you into considerable emotional confusion. You begin to realise that actually you're fonder of both Zaphod and Random than you had previously suspected, and suddenly feel insanely jealous of a ny contact Tricia may have with either of them. You decide to be horribly bitchy to her and see if it helps. Fenchurch: How can she seriously fancy Arthur? What a bimbo. Ford: Faintly tolerant annoyance. Arthur: He's very sweet and everything, but not the sort of person you want around when this sort of thing is going on. You try to explain to him about Random being his daughter and things, but wish you hadn't bothered. Jeltz: You think he is unimaginably dangerous, a lousy poet and has the sex appeal of a traffic accident. ITINERARY: 8:30-9:00 MILLIWAYS You try to persuade Zaphod to come back to Earth with you, to try and find out about the Guardian's death, but he refuses. You go anyway. 9:00-9:30 EARTH You try to investigate, but things get complicated. 9:30-10:00 EARTH 10:00-10:30 MILLIWAYS You return to Milliways to find everything much more complicated still. You are almost inclined to sod it and get very drunk. 10:30 onwards THE AFTERLIFE You wish you had got very drunk when the planet is demolished and you perish in appalling agony. Why are some days like that? ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX Character Hedonistic and egotistical psychotic hippy. What more can one say? Hey. Motivations Avid greed and nothing else. You desperately want to find the elements of the Wikkit Gate, because of the insane amount of money it will bring you. Drinking Habits Heavyyyy. Reactions to Other Characters General: Insecure and faintly paranoid. You take great pains to impress them all with how relaxed you are. Trillian: Sweet kid. You're really fond of her, you know? Random: Weird. You don't like children anyway. You put up with her for Trillian's sake, which you feel is highly altruistic of you. The Dish of the Day: Nice shoulders. Or what about the hams? Spare ribs? How can you possibly choose? Ford: Nice but annoying, good to get drunk with but not so good to do anything but get drunk with. Slartibartfast: Old guy. Social conscience. Boring. Colin: The little robot annoys you more than the human mind can conceive. Elvis Presley: You are pleased to meet him, and sure he must share the same opinion of you. Arthur: Stupid apeman. Roosta: Hey, who is this guy? Marvin: You try to be tolerant and sympathetic. Just not very hard. Tricia: Hey, this kid is attractive. Like Trillian only less pushy. Wow. Jeltz: He puts you off your meal. Ugghhh. ITINERARY: 8:30-9:00 MILLIWAYS Trillian tries to persuade you to go to Earth to investigate the murder of the Guardian, but you feel you could investigate more profitably here. Particularly the bar. 9:00-9:30 MILLIWAYS You pursue your investigations further. Ford joins you, and you ask him how his investigation is going. 9:30-10:00 URSA MINOR BETA You take a quick detour to Ursa Minor Beta to see is anything strange is going on. Finding it is, you go back to Milliways. 10:00-10:30 MILLIWAYS You decide money can't buy you happiness and decide to search for it via alcohol and sex instead. 10:30 onwards THE AFTERLIFE You die in agony when the planet is suddenly demolished. The experience is a traumatic one and you need several more drinks to help you recover. MARVIN Character Manically depressed robot. Not that you're really interested, anyway. Motivations None. You are saving the Universe because it's something to do. Tomorrow you might drown some kittens, or electrocute yourself. You devote a small portion of your immense intellect towards finding the Guardians or the other elements of the Wikkit Gate, but it won't do any good. Nothing ever has yet. Drinking Habits You drink a quite astonishing amount. It doesn't help at all, you just might as well. Reactions to Other Characters Contempt beyond the bounds of human capability. For all of them, but especially that security robot Colin. ITINERARY: 8:30-9:00 URSA MINOR BETA You try to pursue your investigations. 9:00-9:30 URSA MINOR BETA 9:30-10:00 EARTH You come to Earth to continue investigating, though you're not sure why you bother. 10:00-10:30 MILLIWAYS You are even more depressed than usual by the sight of large numbers of organic beings enjoying themselves. 10:30 onwards THE AFTERLIFE You are quite relieved when the entire planet is demolished and everyone, you included, perishes in agony. In fact, you find it really quite amusing. It gives you a warm feeling inside for a whole nanosecond. TRICIA MCMILLAN Character Your glamorous and affluent career as a breakfast TV anchor-person has done little to dispel the ancient, secret regret you have, which is that you met an alien at a party in Islington fifteen years ago and failed to leave the Earth with him. You have more or less expunged this matter from your mind, leaving little behind but a secret interior hollowness and a suspicion that you exist only as the alternative to someone else's life. Motivations Your career is now the only thing of any particular importance to you, except for a strong dislike of anybody who tries to talk to you about space travel. You also have a vague unrequited desire for children. But hey, life's not all bad. You could, for example, get mind-blisteringly drunk, which would probably improve it a good deal. Drinking Habits See above. Reactions to Other Characters General: More often than not, world-weary sarcasm. Arthur: You can't even remotely remember his name. He tried desperately to chat you up at the party where you met Zaphod. Fenchurch: How can she seriously fancy Arthur? What a bimbo. Elvis: You are a little stunned to meet him. Jeltz: You are also startled to meet a very obvious alien, but you soon realise he's a complete arsehole, so try to ignore him. Marvin: A robot whose outlook on life you can sympathise with. Trillian: You are shocked to meet the alternate self whose existence you have always suspected. After the intial surprise, you realise that she has a better claim to Zaphod than you do, so you set out to deprive her of it. Random: Not exactly the daughter you have always longed for. You have to have several drinks to cope with the concept. Zaphod: You try the hardest you possibly can to get off with him so that he will leave Trillian and be with you instead. ITINERARY: 8:30-9:00 EARTH When you realise that Arthur has not only been space travelling, but has also been in contact with Zaphod, you insist on accompanying him when he leaves. 9:00-9:30 URSA MINOR BETA Realising Zaphod is not here and that Arthur has no intention of going to look for him, just staying in one place and gibbering a bit, you leave with Marvin, the only other person who appears to be going anywhere. 9:30-10:00 EARTH When your alternate self leaves for a prearranged rendezvous with Zaphod at some restaurant somewhere, nothing on earth would stop you accompanying her. 10:00-10:30 MILLIWAYS Just act as comes naturally. 1:30 onwards THE AFTERLIFE You are preoccupied to such an extent that it comes as rather a shock when the planet the Restaurant is on is suddenly demolished and you die in agony. You are relieved to discover that the afterlife serves drinks. GARKBIT THE WAITER Character Small and infinitely superior waiter of the PG Wodehouse school. Motivations Your philosophy in life is that, if you can spread a little happiness by being a waiter and serving people with beautiful food - then you'd much rather annoy them by being sarcastic and obstructive at them all the time. Your job at Milliways, the Restaurant at the End of the Universe, offers you endless satisfaction in this respect. Drinking Habits You find you often need to dip into the supplies at the bar in order to cope with your job. This night is going to be a particularly tough one. Reactions to Other Characters General: You treat them with the polite obnoxiousness of someone who is only trying to do his job. Zaphod: Though a frequent customer, you find him and his disreputable friends a great trial of patience. Random: An obnoxious young lady whom you patronise rigid. Hotblack Desiato: Sycophantic fawning. Max Quordlepleen: You dislike his vulgar style and his personality. The Dish of the Day: You get on with it reasonably well, feeling that you are both fulfilling a function in different ways. You have no compunciton whatsoever about killing it. Jeltz: You are not prejudiced, indeed some of your best friends are green, but, well, they're not like us are they? While you are contractually obliged to be polite to him and not suggest that the filthy bastard goes back where he came from, and his bloo dy newts, you nevertheless give him the full effect of your officious-superior-and-generally-bloody- unpleasant-waiter routine. ITINERARY: 8:30-9:00 MILLIWAYS You take sadistic pleasure in introducing customers to the Dish of the Day. 9:00-9:30 MILLIWAYS You become increasingly sarcastic and tight-lipped, but the customers appear not to notice. You have another drink instead. 9:30-10:00 MILLIWAYS The green gentleman orders the Dish, so you kill it. You drink a lot more. 10:00-10:30 MILLIWAYS You decide to sod it and be downright rude and abusive to all the customers anyway. The hell with them. They come in here, expect to be waited on hand and foot, who the hell do they think they are? Bastards. 10:30 onwards THE AFTERLIFE The planet is startlingly demolished and you die in agony, finding yourself in the afterlife. You decide that, since you strongly disliked most of life, you may as well have a good time now you're here. You start by drinking a lot. Practical Notes Obviously you won't actually be able to bring anyone any food (unless you want to go and get them chips or something), so be obstructive and never actually bring them their meal. COLIN Character Your life as a menial security robot has taken an exquisitely gorgeous and delightful turn when the completely wonderful and altruistic Mr Prefect rewired some of your circuits in the most enjoyable manner imaginable. Now everything gives you m ore delicious gratification than the mind can safely comprehend without melting into a quivering jelly of shuddering euphoria. Motivations You now take the most wonderful and delirious pleasure in doing whatever Mr Prefect demands of you with the most ecstatic devotion. Drinking Habits You take uncontrollable and euphoric pleasure in it. Reactions to Other Characters General: Abject love and delirious fawning. Ford: You are unbearably overjoyed to give Mr Prefect all the help he needs with any matter, and are so grateful to be given the opportunity that you beg to be allowed to buy him a drink because you love him so much. Marvin: The most utterly wonderful and sexy other robot you have ever met ever. You think he is really incredibly wonderful. Zaphod: You think he is the most deliciously two-headed person you have ever encountered, and feel a desperate urge to get to know him better because he's just such a lovely person. 8:30-9:00 URSA MINOR BETA 9:00-9:30 MILLIWAYS You are thrilled to be taken to a Restaurant, it is an experience you have never had before. You leave with Zaphod because you think he is so completely super. 9:30-10:00 URSA MINOR BETA 10:00-10:30 MILLIWAYS Being taken to a restaurant for the second time in an evening is just such an orgasmic experience that you need several more drinks to recover from it. 10:30 onwards THE AFTERLIFE When the entire planet is suddenly demolished, you are so wonderfully happy that you just die. Practical Notes Don't try to hover. It really won't be worth it. FENCHURCH Character You are extremely attractive but faintly psychotic, being permanently haunted by the half-memory of a blinding revelation you received years ago and can no longer remember. This psychosis reveals itself in odd ways, like relapsing into occasional comas and fancying Arthur Dent. Motivations You are hopelessly in love with Arthur, and will do anything for him. For this reason you are helping him search for the Wikkit Gate, though your grasp of what it actually is, is on the shaky side. Drinking Habits Your grasp on sanity is fragile at the best of times. Drink a lot. Reactions to Other Characters General: Sympathetic and generally bewildered. Arthur: See that man in the tatty dressing gown? You love him. Elvis Presley: You are astonished to meet him, and ask for his autograph. Marvin: Having a propensity for maladjusted types, you fall madly in love with the robot and try desperately to make him pay attention to you. ITINERARY 8:30-9:00 EARTH You help Arthur investigate this Wikkit Gate thing. 9:00-9:30 URSA MINOR BETA You fall madly in love with Marvin, and leave when he does. 9:30-10:00 EARTH You try to get Marvin to notice you at all, but he seems to be preoccupied. 10:00-10:30 MILLIWAYS Depressed by Marvin's rejections of your advances, you decide to get very drunk. 10:30 onwards THE AFTERLIFE The planet is suddenly destroyed while you're not expecting it, and you die in agony. WOWBAGGER THE INFINITELY PROLONGED Character You have the misfortune to be an immortal being, driven by the inane and unbearable boredom of an existence elongated beyond all sane proportions to seek a Purpose in life. The Purpose you have decreed for yourself is to insult all the living beings in the Universe, in alphabetical order. Not only is this purpose not the kind that makes you desperate to get out of bed in the mornings, but the necessarily sketchy census data available from some of the more backward or mellow planets in the galaxy means that the information you have to work with is entirely unreliable. Motivations Of the following list, some names are incomplete, and some totally unavailable. Those beings marked with an asterisk may not even exist. You have no information about where any of them may be at any given time, though what you do have makes you reasonably sure that, unless any of them are dead, they will be on one of three planets: Earth, Ursa Minor Beta or the site of Milliways. You are nevertheless grimly determined to find each of these beings and, in strict alphabetical order, dole out to them the most belittling and witheringly apposite insult in your immense repertoire. Drinking Habits To steel yourself for this task, and indeed to sustain yourself when embarked on it, will probably require a large number of drinks. The List: ASTRA, Trillian HARL, Vann * BEEBLEBROX, Zaphod, The First JELTZ, Prostetnic Vogon BODYGUARD, The (name unknown) * MAN IN THE SHACK, The (name unknown) BOST HENSON, Murray * MARVIN, "The Paranoid Android" CHEGWIN, Keith * McKENNA, Rob * CJELLI, Svlad * McMILLAN, Tricia CLINTON, William * PREFECT, Ford COLIN PRESLEY, Elvis * COLLUPHID, Oolon PROSSER, Mr L * DENT, Arthur Philip QUORDLEPLEEN, Max DENT, Random Frequent Flier * ROOSTA * DESIATO, Hotblack * SLARTIBARTFAST * DISH, of the Day * VOGON GUARDS (names utterly unimportant) * FENCHURCH (surname unknown) VRANX, Yooden * GALLUMBITS, Eccentrica * ZARNIWOOP * GARKBIT ZARQUON, The Great Prophet By 10:00, you will find that most of the people you are searching for appear to be enjoying a meal at Milliway's, the Restaurant at the End of the Universe, so you go there to insult them. At 10:30, the planet is unexpectedly demolished for reasons that may or may not be clear to you. You find this amusing at first, being utterly confident that you will survive any such attack, but you are disturbed to find that, due to reverse temporal engineering, the accident which caused your immortality is suddenly and inexplicably erased from your past. You are even more disturbed when, seconds later, you die horribly. Proceed, along with your fellow-deceased, to the afterlife. MR L PROSSER Character Boring. Small-minded and unimaginative bureaucrat. You are unaware of any of the larger issues in the Universe, or indeed of anything very much. Motivations You are enjoying a quiet drink in betwen knocking peoples' houses down. All you want is a quiet life. Drinking Habits Boring. Reactions to Other Characters General: Boring. Arthur: Frustrated dislike. Trillian and Tricia: No amount of persuasion whatsoever will convince you that they're not the same person deliberately playing a trick on you. Elvis Presley: When you realise who he is, you tell him you never liked his songs much. You always preferred Val Doonican. Jeltz: When, eventually, you understand who he is, you ask him for a job. ITINERARY: 8:30-9:00 EARTH You are annoyed to be disturbed by people acting oddly and kiling each other. You point out to them that they are annoying the other customers. 9:00-9:30 EARTH You continue to expostulate with the annoying people. 9:30-10:00 EARTH You give up and have some more to drink. 10:00-10:30 MILLIWAYS You have been brought here against your will, and you don't even like foreign food. You complain a lot. 10:30 onwards THE AFTERLIFE You complain even more when the entire planet is demolished and you die in agony. THE DISH OF THE DAY Character Genetically-engineered sentient bovine. You are very proud to be a rich source of fat, protein, and most beings' full dietary needs. Motivations An overwhelming desire to be eaten, which supercedes any other wishes you may have. You try to persuade people of your gastronomic credentials at every available opportunity. Drinking Habits The more you drink, the better you taste. You imagine. Reactions to Other Characters General: Try to persuade them to eat you. Zaphod: You are flattered to receive the attention of an obvious conoisseur. Garkbit: You have a lively, bantering professional relationship with the waiter. Jeltz: You are hurt that he pays no attention to your culinary charms, but delighted when he finally agrees to eat you. ITINERARY: 8:30-9:00 MILLIWAYS You converse with Zaphod and his guests. 9:00-9:30 MILLIWAYS You contnue to talk to the clientele. 9:30-10:00 MILLIWAYS Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz orders a curry of you, so you die happily. 10:00 onwards THE AFTERLIFE You are disappointed that an afterlife exists: it seems rather to spoil the point of your existence. You try drinking a lot to make up for it. VANN HARL Character Neo-Thatcherite faceless corporate executive, currently managing editor of The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Motivations Greed. You want to get your hands on the Wikkit Gate for the immense personal wealth it will bring you. You are even prepared to defy your boss, Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz of InfiniDim Enterprises, to gain it. Drinking Habits You find your job stressful, and huge amounts to drink help you cope with it. Reactions to Other Characters General: Faintly paranoid. You usually ignore them unless they can be particularly of use to you. Ford: An employee of the Guide, you try to use him in your investigations. Zarniwoop: Your immediate subordinate, whom you order around given the slightest opportunity because it makes you feel good. Roosta: Another employee, a no-good lowlife who will be the first against the wall when the next wave of redundancies comes. ITINERARY: 8:30-9:00 URSA MINOR BETA You are suspicious of the sudden influx of visitors to your office, and take the opportunity to interrogate them about the Wikkitgate affair. 9:00-9:30 URSA MINOR You sack Roosta for being annoying. Jeltz turns up and you try to persuade him to turn over all information on the Wikkitgate affair to you, so you can act as an investigator for him. 9:30 onwards THE AFTERLIFE Jeltz kills you instead, which annoys you rather. You proceed to the afterlife, and are pleasantly surprised to find it serves drinks. You hope Jeltz will be joining you at some stage. RANDOM DENT Character Mentally fractured and displaced angst-ridden pubescent girl. Not the sort of person most people would relish being locked in a small box with. Motivations To gain attention from your mother, who is constantly preoccupied with other things like the fate of the Universe, or your father, whom you have never met, or anybody really. You are in a generally rebellious and violent phase, and have been for the last fifteen or so years. Drinking Habits Highly immature - you drink anything you possibly can whenever you get the chance. Not like older people at all. Reactions to Other Characters General: Sullen resentment. Trillian: Your constant attention-seeking behaviour is mainly for her benefit. You are permanently arguing with her. Zaphod: You resent your mother's involvement with him. What a complete freak. The Bodyguard: To annoy your mother, you decide that he is the most gorgeous man you have ever met and try very hard to get off with him. Max Quordlepleen: You hate him and his style of entertainment on the very reasonable grounds that it's stupid. Elvis: You don't know who he is and you don't care. Arthur: When you discover that he is your father, you try gaining attention from him instead, but soon realise how ineffectual he is. Fenchurch: how can she possibly fancy your father? What a bimbo. Ford: An annoying man your mother knows. You dislike him and know he dislikes you. ITINERARY: 8:30-9:00 MILLIWAYS You hate this place and want to go and visit Earth. You demand from anyone you meet that they take you. 9:00-9:30 EARTH You visit Earth and find it's crap. You leave in disgust. 9:30-10:00 MILLIWAYS You go back to Milliways and decide to drink a lot until you're sick. 10:00-10:30 MILLIWAYS You continue with this plan. 10:30 onwards THE AFTERLIFE You are extremely annoyed when the entire planet is demolished and you die in agony. You think this is extremely unfair, and sulk for hours. ROB MCKENNA Character Miserable git. Truck driver and involuntary Rain God. Motivations Trying to get away from the rain. Complaining about the fact that you can't. Drinking Habits Too much. Reactions to Other Characters General: Complain to them about the fact that it's rained on you all your life. ITINERARY 8:30-9:00 EARTH Complain a lot to anyone who will listen, until one of them gets so fed up he kills you. 9:00 onwards THE AFTERLIFE On finding yourself in the afterlife, you start to complain a lot and don't stop until you pass out from the rather good drinks they serve there. ROOSTA Character Sleazy and unwashed galactic vagrant. Employee of The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Motivations Annoying your boss, Vann Harl. Doing no work and having a good time if at all possible. Otherwise just trying to annoy people. Drinking Habits You can take it or leave it. In fact, though, you always take it. Reactions to Other Characters General: Be weird at them, and try to scrounge drinks from them. Vann Harl: Your boss. Annoy him. Zarniwoop: His second-in-command. Annoy him too. Ford: Old but weird friend. A good drinking partner, especially when he's buying. Jeltz: Vogons. Hate them or detest them, you can't ignore them. Zaphod: Freak him out. ITINERARY: 8:30-9:00 URSA MINOR BETA Hang around trying to do no work. 9:00-9:30 URSA MINOR BETA Hang around some more. 9:30-10:00 URSA MINOR BETA After a bit, you leave and go off to have supper. 10:00-10:30 MILLIWAYS 10:30 onwards THE AFTERLIFE The planet is destroyed and you die in agony. THE BODYGUARD Character Devoted but not entirely bright minder to the currently-deceased Hotblack Desiato, who is spending a year dead for tax reasons. Motivations Your desire to protect Mr Desiato's body is matched only by your desire to damage a lot of other peoples' in the process. Drinking Habits Don't mind if I do. Reactions to Other Characters General: You try to keep them away from Mr Desiato, by force if necessary. You can't really think of much to do with them otherwise. Random Dent: You fall hopelessly in love with her at first sight, and torture yourself with desire for her. Jeltz: You hate Vogons violently, and threaten him violently when you meet him. ITINERARY: 8:30-9:00 MILLIWAYS You accede to Random's demand that you take her to Earth, but you insist on taking Mr Desiato with you. 9:00-9:30 EARTH When you leave, however, you accidentally leave his body behind. 9:30-10:00 MILLIWAYS You feel horribly guilty, but not for very long because somebody kills you. 10:00 onwards THE AFTERLIFE You like it here, the drinks are cheap and you don't seem to have to think much. HOTBLACK DESIATO Character Apocalyptically loud and omnipotently rich rock star, currently spending a year dead for tax reasons. Motivations None. You're dead. Drinking Habits As above Reactions to Other Characters General: None. As previously mentioned, you're currently in a bit of an expired state. ITINERARY: 8:30-9:00 MILLIWAYS 9:00-9:30 EARTH 9:30-10:00 EARTH 10:00-10:30 MILLIWAYS 10:30 onwards THE AFTERLIFE You are irritated when the entire planet you are on is destroyed, because you find there's rather a nice afterlife where they serve cheap drinks, and if you'd realised you would have come here earlier rather than hanging around in the universe being dead. Practical Notes All right, you can drink if you really want to. SLARTIBARTFAST Character Old, terminally vague, with a penchant for fjords and a social conscience. Motivations Your work for the Campaign for Real Time has involved you in the Wikkit Gate affair. You try ineffectually to find out whether anyone knows anything about it or anything. Drinking Habits Well, er... Oh, thank you. Reactions to Other Characters General: Be vague and generally incompetent at them. Arthur: You like the Earthman, and explain things to him when he needs you to. ITINERARY 8:30-9:00 URSA MINOR BETA Try to carry out some kind of investigation thing. 9:00-9:30 MILLIWAYS Carry on with this plan. 9:30-10:00 URSA MINOR BETA 10:00-10:30 MILLIWAYS 10:30 onwards THE AFTERLIFE You are disturbed when the planet is demolished and you die in agony suddenly. MURRAY BOST HENSON Character Unfeasibly odd Sun journalist. Old friend of Arthur Dent. Speech Sample "It's the stockingtop truth. All documented in his little black book, it checks out at every single funloving level. The Met Office is going ice cold thick banana whips, and funny little men in white coats are flying in from all over the world with their little rulers and boxes and drip feeds. This man is the bee's knees, Arthur, he is the wasp's nipples. He is, I would go so far as to say, the entire set of erogenous zones of every major flying insect of the Western world. We're calling him the Rain God. Nice one, eh? Motivations Getting a good story, and getting pissed. Drinking Habits See above. Reactions to Other Characters General: Interview anyone who strikes you as odd or newsworthy. ITINERARY 8:30-9:00 EARTH Drink a lot and interview people until you die. 9:00 onwards THE AFTERLIFE Just drink a lot. ZARNIWOOP Character Sycophantic and smug second-in-command to Vann Harl at the Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy offices. Motivations Doing your job properly and sucking up to your boss. Drinking Habits Only if Mr Harl will let you buy him one. Reactions to Other Characters General: Smug. Ford: Intolerant. A lazy and useless employee. Roosta: Likewise, only more unwashed and generally unpleasant. ITINERARY 8:30-9:00 URSA MINOR BETA Help Mr Harl with anything he may need done. 9:00-9:30 URSA MINOR BETA Continue to do so until you die. 9:30 onwards THE AFTERLIFE Hang around drinking, there's nothing else to do. And no promotion prospects or anything. OOLON COLLUPHID Character You are the author of a large number of anti-theist bestsellers, including Where God Went Wrong, Some More Of God's Greatest Mistakes, and, most recently, So You've Got Religion? Get It Treated Before It Goes Skeptic! This has brought you more money than your mind can readily comprehend, mostly in Flainian Pobble Beads. The luxurious lifestyle and expensive social chemicals this money has given you access to has caused you to go utterly barking mad. Motivations You have decided to follow up your previous successes with an biography of God, to be written by you and to be entitled God: My Life In Politics - you want, in short, to become a holy ghost-writer. To this end, you have determined to track down God and interview Him extensively, and are therefore interrogating people asking them if they have ever met God, and if so can they give you His 'phone number? You happily interview anybody you meet in any of the locations you visit, asking their views on life, God, religion, money and especially your previous books. Drinking Habits Yes please. Reactions to Other Characters General: Insane affability and desire to interview them. ITINERARY 8:30-9:00 URSA MINOR BETA While on UM-Beta, you call in at the office of your publishers, InfinDim enterprises. You are introduced to lots of people who look as if they might have terribly exciting views on life, and cheerfully burble on about things to anybody who feels the need to listen. 9:00-9:30 MILLIWAYS 9:30-10:00 EARTH Here you are delighted to meet somebody dead, whom you interview at great length, along with anybody else who will take any notice of you. 10:00-10:30 MILLIWAYS 10:30 onwards THE AFTERLIFE You die in agony when the planet is unexpectedly demolished. You are absolutely overjoyed to be given this opportunity to find out all the things you still needed to know about everything. Vogon Guard Your only function is to obey the orders of your Captain, Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz, and to follow him everywhere. Beyond this you have difficulty adapting to most of the concepts to which you are introduced, though you do have a weakness for shouting at people very loudly.