Dirk Gently Role Playing Pubcrawl General Note This is one of a series of role-playing pub crawls written for meetings of the Oxford University Douglas Adams Society and possibly of general interest to others. All are based on various works of literature in different media familiar to members of the Society. Of course the originals involved are still in copyright, so the author of these pubcrawls has no right to profit from the use of the material, despite the large amounts of original writing that have been put into them. We can only say that anyone who performs these pubcrawls is very welcome to do so. This series includes many other pubcrawls. These pubcrawls were written for performance in Oxford, and thus if they instruct participants to visit particular pubs, these pubs are generally found within quite a small area of that city. This can very easily be altered to fit in with any location in which the pubcrawl is per formed: other details can be similarly altered (times changed to suit local licensing laws, for instance), and usually any Oxford-specific references can be excised, adapted or else conveniently ignored. The exception is the Sandman pubcrawl, which has a note appended explaining the options, but can still be performed elsewhere with ease. If the number of people available for a pubcrawl is not identical with the number of characters listed in these texts, the pieces can be adapted accordingly: several have "extras" (usually found at the end) who are unnecessary for the plot but can be added to make up the numbers; in others, certain characters can be removed without grave detriment to the plot, at the discretion of the organiser (who may wish to edit the other characters' intructions accordingly). The Hitch-Hiker pubcrawl, in particular, was designed for a society Freshers' event, at which the number arriving was utterly unpredictable, and so is written for a number of participants from ten to about thirty. Inserting new characters would also be a viable approach, if anyone were feeling creative... Standard practice has been to give each participant a copy of the title page (if any) and introductory sheet (if any), and a copy of one character's instruction sheet(s). A map, with the pubs marked on it, may be a useful aid, unless enough players know the pubs in the area well. Participants are given the instructions that they are to play the roles allocated to the best of their improvisational ability, and (usually) to drink a lot as well. As observed in the introduction to the Hitch-Hiker pubcrawl, the comedy effect arises when obeying the latter instruction renders people unable to carry out the former. Organiser's charts are provided so that the person mounting the pubcrawl is able to tell who should be where at any particular point. The organiser may participate or observe as he/she wishes; sometimes there is an obvious part for the organiser to play if he/she does take a role, sometimes it may be amusing to take one of the more minor ones. The important thing is that the organiser does not use his/her superior knowledge to bugger the plot. You are encouraged to pass any of these pubcrawls on to any contacts you may have who you feel would be interested, by email or post or any other medium that entertains you. If anyone organising one of these events were to feel moved to send a gratuitous and quite unnecessary present of money as a contribution to DougSoc funds (say a pound, dollar or nearest local equivalent collected from each participant) to the society, we can be reached at this address:v The Oxford University Douglas Adams Society c/o University Offices Wellington Square Oxford OX1 2JD UNITED KINGDOM I mention this merely for information. SHARE AND ENJOY. Author's Note This was the first of these role-playing pub crawls to be written, and the first to be performed at DougSoc. In those days men were real men, women were real women, and the society was rather small. Hence the minimal cast-list: three extra characters ha ve been added since the first performance, but I couldn't think of much for them to do. This tightly-plotted, psychologically intense pubcrawl is therefore an ideal intimate evening out for a small family, or three and a half couples. Um, or something. Note for insanely Adams-oriented pedants: You may imagine you have discovered an inconsistency in the Electric Monk's continued presence on Earth after Reg has supposedly taken him home at the end of Dirk Gently, and in the apparent implication herein that the Monk and Reg have never met. This is easily explained. Reg arranged to meet the Monk and his horse at a mutually convenient time to take them back to the Pleiades, but having a memory like one of those things you drain rice in, utterly forgot the appointment. The Monk, who had met a busker singing "The Streets of London" suddenly came to believe he had been shown something that would make him change his mind, and decided not to turn up. Knowing his memory's inefficiency, when Reg came across a note he had written himself to remind him of the meeting, he simply assumed that it had taken place and that he had taken the Monk and his horse home, so told Richard MacDuff this in a sincere belief that it was true. By the time he meets the Monk for a second time in this piece, he has entirely forgotten his existence and reacts to him as he would an entirely new acquaintance. The Monk has similiarly had his belief circuits overloaded so many times over the past few years that his memory is these days entirely a figment of his own and other people's imaginations, and the only assumption he can make when he meets and recognises Reg, is the perfectly reasonable one that he is Elvis Presley. You see how easily these misunderstandings arise. Number of characters 7 + 3 optional Male 6 + 1 optional Female 1 + 2 optional Number of pubs 5 Props None, unless you think Thor should have an enormous sledgehammer. WHO KILLED SCHRODINGER'S CAT? The Wolfson-Radcliffe-Nuffield Institute for Thought Experiment was set up at some unidentified point in the history of Oxford University to carry out experiments too abstruse for the various science faculties. Special features of the Institute include the Molecule Room, in which a single air molecule bounces around an otherwise empty room exerting a carefully-measured amount of pressure, and a continuing project to send a one-man mission into space at something approaching the speed of light, currently in suspension while the Institute advertises for one of a pair of identical twins to undertake the trip. Also of note is the Finite Improbability Project, currently located in the canteen for quick access to Brownian Motion generators, and a dangerous ongoing quest for immortality, involving an irrational particle accelerator, a whole succession of liquid lunches, and many pairs of rubber bands of varying sizes. One of the most interesting series of experiments, however, is the Schr"dinger Project, in which cats of different breeds are hermetically sealed in a room with a bottle of poison and a lump of some radioactive substance, in a complicatedly-contrived scheme which ensures the cat has a 50% chance of emerging alive from the room and a 50% chance of being carried out in a cardboard box. Until the experimenter breaks the seals and observes the result of the experiment, the cat exists in an uncomfortable state of semilife, in which its waveform has not yet collapsed, and it is unaware whether it will soon be enjoying a nourishing breakfast of Whiskas or being buried unceremoniously under the back lawn. Many Animal Rights protesters have claimed that this is pointlessly cruel and completely unhelpful, but Professor Low-Eggborough, a quiet little unregarded man in glasses who is the head of the Project, believes his research is carrying him close to a fundamental understanding of the nature of our own Universe and the possibility of parallel universes. Most leading scientists claim that this argument is a load of dingo's kidneys, but everyone was rather startled when, one morning after a particularly exhausting all-night Schro"dinger session, the unsealing of the room revealed the large marmalade tom, neither alive nor poisoned, but stabbed to death by person or persons unknown, but at any rate person or persons who could not conceivably have had access to the large hermetically-sealed room the experiment took place in. Consternation was reinforced by the emergence of the fact that Low-Eggborough, who had supposedly popped out for a quick coffee, has now in fact completely disappeared. The fact that, at the time of the crime, four people (using the word in the loosest sense) were wandering at large in the top-security Institute with no justification for being there at all, has done little to quieten the resultant unease. The Oxford police, in the person of Sergeant Gilks, recently transferred form the Cambridgeshire constabulary, are naturally interested in the possibility of having a chat with these people. They were a large muscular Nordic gentleman who claims to be called Thor, a small ugly person who calls himself Mr Rag, a strange foreign cleric who admits to no name at all, and a bona fide Cambridge professor called Urban Chronotis. To say that the authorities are curious as to what such a diverse set of people were doing somewhere they should by no stretch of the imagination have been, is something of an understatement. The Head of the Institute, a young Professor with a Cambridge degree, is so curious that he has even hired a private detective to have a little look into the matter. The detective, who has arrived with his secretary and rather eccentrically asked to interview all the possible suspects in some convenient pubs, is an old college friend of the Head's, and hopes to solve the mystery of the cat's murder, and the scarcely less interesting fact of Low-Eggborough's disappearance, by looking into the fundamental interconnectedness of all things, particularly as centred around certain public houses in Oxford. The evening arrives. They usually tend to, if you wait. DIRK GENTLY You have been hired by the Head of the Wolfson-Radcliffe-Nuffield Institute, whom you owe a few favours from your days together in Cambridge (largely connected with the odd piece of misplaced scientific equipment appearing in your room due to the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, a process which certain members of the law-enforcement community might find intriguing), with instructions to investigate the mystery of the cat's murder, and investigate the disappearance of the scientist, Professor Low-Eggborough. Your secretary, Miss Pearce, has recently taken to following you everywhere in order to be able to claim seventeeth months' back pay the instant you are given any money by anyone, and despite your attempts to shake her off by travelling by train via Penzance, she has accompanied you to Oxford. There you discover that, by one of the bizarre coincidences that provide you with much of your fulfilment in life, all the suspects who were found to be in the building overnight were already known to you - your old friend Professor "Reg" Chronotis, an Electric Monk, the god Thor and his unpleasant acquaintance Toe Rag. You decide in an eccentric moment to interview all these suspects in pubs, in the hope that this will loosen their tongues, and maybe even get you a couple of free drinks. Shadowed closely by Janice Pearce, you head for your first assignation, which is with Reg and the Monk in The Turf. 8:30- 9:00 The Turf The Turf is a nice authentic mediaeval tavern, with an authentic mediaeval arcade machine and prices somewhat inflated since mediaeval times. You also have the strange feeling that it smells of cats. You meet Reg, whom you are pleased to see, and the Electric Monk, who appears to be convinced that you are John Lennon. You attempt to disabuse it of this idea, but it is an uphill struggle. You interview them both, to find out what they know about the events of the night in the institute. You also try to persuade Miss Pearce to buy you a drink, the cost of which you will of course reimburse on the very imminent occasion when you will pay her. You are very unwilling to buy a drink yourself, mainly on principle, but also because this will show her that you actually have some money with you. 9:00- 9:30 The White Horse You eventually give up on Reg and the Monk, and go on to the White Horse with the vague feeling that you are supposed to be meeting Thor there. Janice follows you, by now relatively drunk. You try to obtain information from Tor and Toe Rag, but are hampered by the fact that Toe Rag is constitutionally incapable of telling the truth (something you can admire), and that Janice is trying to get off with Thor. You also have the strong feeling that this pub too contains a cat, indeed you keep nearly seeing it out of the corner of your eye. You have a vague feeling that, as usual, something odd is going on. You give up on Thor and Toe Rag also, and leave in disgust. Toe Rag follows, leaving Janice and Thor to their own devices. You are glad to be rid of her, but not so glad to be accompanied by Toe Rag. 9:30-10:00 The Lamb and Flag Guided by a hunch, you go to the Lamb and Flag, and are less than surprised to find Reg there. You are now in no doubt that something funny is going on. After the necessary initial proceeding of persuading Reg or Toe Rag to buy you a drink, you attempt to make contact with the mysterious phantom cat which has been following you round Oxford. You realise it is a cat with only a minute probability of existing, and that it has almost certainly had its waveform suspended by nefarious means. It is, in fact, what in other circumstances you would have called a ghost, like that unfortunate chap Gordon Way. You explain this to Reg and Toe Rag, who think you are barking mad. Making contact with the cat involves calling "Here kitty kitty" whilst looking in the other direction and trying to see it - rather similar to the behaviour of someone trying to penetrate what an acquaintance of yours once referred to as a Somebody Else's Problem field. Eventually you decide you need more competent help. You leave to find Thor. 10:00-10:30 The Eagle and Child You are not fond of either eagles or children, but the hunches which you are now entirely sure must have some supernatural source this time direct you here. Naturally you meet Thor and Miss Pearce immediately. You explain to Thor that you are trying to make contact with the ghost of a cat, and therefore need his divine powers to aid you in a s‚seance (having bought you a drink first, obviously). You explain that in order temporarily to restore the cat's original waveform, an input of supernatural energy is necessary, and the nearest God is an obvious choice to provide this. Ignoring the increasingly histrionic Janice, you join hands over a table and summon the spirit of the dead cat. After a bizarre out-of-body experience, you return to the pub with a full knowledge of the last moments of the cat's life. The ghost has been laid to rest, and you now have the whole answer to the problem. You know, by a feline kind of instinct, that Sergeant Gilks and the others will be joining you shortly. You wait for them, resisting a strong urge to wash yourself by licking your hands and rubbing them all over your body. 10:30 onward The Eagle and Child You are in a hyperactive enough mood to have annoyed most of the rest of the pub's clientele quite considerably by the time the others arrive. Gilks tries to arrest you, provoking quite a major confrontation before Thor steps in and subdues him. Knowing you have a captive audience, you sit them down and tell them in great detail about what happened in the Wolfson-Radcliffe-Nuffield Institute the previous evening. What did happen in the Institute The story, which you naturally elaborate as tortuously as possible, is as follows: the cat-murderer and scientist-abductor was, obviously enough, Toe Rag. Having taken great pains to gain access to the Institute, he intended the capture of Professor Low-Eggborough to help his own devious plans to take over the worlds of Gods and mortals. As he claimed, the Professor's experiments operated in an area of physics where fundamental changes in the Universe can be caused from as insignificant a fact as the death or otherwise of a cat. The whole state of the Universe following each Schr"dinger experiment - ie, a catless or adequately-catted Universe - depends entirely on subatomic events too small to be detected. Any form of science which can change the Universe in such an obvious way is capable of removing the divide between the parallel universe inhabited by the Gods and the world of mortals, and thus bringing the two into close contact. In the wake of this chaos, only Toe Rag would be adequately prepared to step in and fill the power vacuum. This was Toe Rag's intention in breaking into the Institute. What he found, however, exceeded even his wildest dreams. He not only met the God he personally most disliked, Thor, and was able to put him in an extremely uncomfortable position, but also found Reg's time machine abandoned in a corridor. Realising what a powerful weapon this would make in the wrong hands - ie his - he stole this instead. A few days later - still in your future - he will take the craft and travel back in time to that night in the Institute, abducting Professor Low-Eggborough and killing the cat because he doesn't like it very much. This has up to now been the overwhelming probability, which is why the cat only appeared to you as the most vague of phantoms. The fact that you now know Toe Rag's plan, however, greatly decreases the probability that he will ever carry it out - and hence it becomes extremely unlikely that the crime has ever taken place. Just as you are explaining this, the Universe's waveform collapses and in fact it becomes clear that the crime did not take place. Low-Eggborough and the cat are alive and well, and there is no reason whatsoever for you or the other characters to be together in a pub in Oxford after all. You all decide to go home. JANICE PEARCE The recent explosion of the checkout terminal at Heathrow at which you were quietly minding your own business, and your own subsequent metamorphosis into a Coke machine and back again, has not unnaturally led to your acquiring rather a trauma connected with airports. You have therefore resigned as a check-in girl and returned to your old job with Dirk Gently, who owes you seventeen months' back pay anyway, and have moreover taken to trailing him everywhere in order to grab the money off him on the first occasion that he shows any sign of having some. For this reason you have followed him to Oxford, to accompany him on an investigation about which you know nothing whatsoever, and care quite a large negative amount. All you know is that, like a strange number of your employer's other cases, it involves a cat. You follow him to The Turf, where you have no intention at all of buying him a drink. 8:30- 9:00 The Turf Here you meet Professor Chronotis and the Electric Monk, who appears to be under the erroneous impression that you are Yoko Ono. You try to persuade him otherwise. You are fairly bored while Mr Gently interviews the others, throwing in the odd unhelpful suggestion as necessary. The Monk seems a nice sympathetic sort of person, in spite of his mistake about your identity, so you soon find yourself chatting to him about the problems you face as Mr Gently's secretary. You feel you are quite justified in getting very drunk out of self-pity, so make the best start you can. 9:00- 9:30 The White Horse Still not intending to let Mr Gently out of your sight, you follow him to the White Horse. Here you meet a disgusting little man called Toe Rag, and a very large blond man called Thor, who you feel you may have seen somewhere before, but whom you instantly feel an insanely strong desire to get off with. You drink a lot more and do your best. 9:30-10:00 The White Horse When Mr Gently goes, you no longer care. You stay behind and do your best to get Thor to pay some attention to you - by now, in a fairly uninhibited manner. Sergeant Gilks and the Monk arrive, but you do not let this cramp your style. Thor is eventually enraged into revealing that he is a God. This just makes him seem more attractive. 10:00-10:30 The Eagle and Child Thor storms out to destroy the whole of Broad Street and anything else that may take his fancy at the time, but you follow him and eventually persuade him to go to the Eagle and Child instead. Here you are immediately joined by Mr Gently, who starts raving about cats as usual. Thor seems much more interested in the cats than in you, so you storm out. A few minutes later you storm back in again, find them holding a s‚seance, and storm back out. Eventually you storm back in and sit there sulking. 10:30onward The Eagle and Child After Thor and Mr Gently have finished, Sergeant Gilks, the Monk, Professor Chronotis and Toe Rag arrive. Though you are fairly paralytic by now, you realise that an employer in prison is an employer very unlikely to pay you for really quite a long time, so you try to stop Gilks arresting Mr Gently. Thor eventually intervenes and stops him. You eventually sit in an alcoholic haze and listen to Mr Gently's ramblings with a serene blithbury (very drunken look) on your face... SERGEANT GILKS Your recent transfer from the Cambridgeshire Constabulary to Oxford has, predictably enough, done nothing to help you avoid solving crimes involving academics. Your immediate superior, a miserable git called Morse*, has done nothing to improve your temper either. He has assigned you to investigate the disappearance of Professor Low-Eggborough, the cat experimenter at the Wolfson-Radcliffe-Nuffield Institute. (The death of the cat interests you not at all. The way you see it, the more dead cats there are, the fewer live ones.) You are struck by the bizarreness of the four suspects you are supposed to be interviewing, but you suffer a far more ghastly shock when the Head of the Institute informs you he has hired a private detective by the name of Gently. Suddenly, the idea of retiring and cultivating tarantulas seems a very attractive one. You decide that the best way of proceeding with this case is first of all to arrest Gently and charge him with whatever happens to be convenient, and then get on with interviewing the suspects without interference. You know that he has arranged to meet the large blond suspect and the small ugly suspect in a pub at some time this evening, so you trail them to The King's Arms. 8:30- 9:00 The King's Arms You observe the two suspects in conversation for a while, but are unable to make any sense of it. You decide to reveal yourself, and ask them for information on the previous night, and also on Gently's whereabouts. You suspect them both of knowing things they are not telling you, but eventually give up and go to The Turf, where you suspect Gently may be. 9:00- 9:30 The Turf At The Turf you find Professor Chronotis and the strange Monk. You try to get information from them, but are hampered by very strange behaviour on the Monk's part. You are in a bad mood and do not buy anyone a drink. You eventually leave in disgust, to search the White Horse for Gently. 9:30-10:00 The White Horsev To your mounting irritation, the Monk follows you, still behaving strangely. You are in a very bad mood, and try to give Thor as threatening and difficult a time as you can. That this is a tactical error is soon revealed when he announces that he is a God and carries out an awesome display of divine powers. You go to the Lamb and Flag for a quiet sit down. 10:00-10:30 The Lamb and Flag Your already benumbed mental state is not helped by the continued presence of the Monk, or indeed those of Toe Rag or Professor Chronotis, who are already there. You have several very large drinks to steady your nerves. Then you go to the Eagle and Child to arrest Gently. 10:30onward The Eagle and Child You do your best to achieve this, but Thor's divine powers prevent you. After a brief confrontation you give up and decide simply to have a nervous breakdown instead. Everyone else is litening to Gently spouting nonsense, so you gibber quietly to yourse lf and then go to sleep. * Just an esoteric Earth reference. If you're an alien or an American, probably best to ignore it. PROFESSOR URBAN CHRONOTIS (REG) The failure of St Cedd's to pay their telephone bill has resulted in your telephone being cut off. Due to the fundamental interconnectedness of all things, this has led somehow to your time machine, previously completely out of order, starting to work once more. On the way back from a trip you made to Renaissance Italy, in which you failed to dissuade your acquaintance Leonardo from inexplicably painting seven Mona Lisas instead of one, you made rather a mistake with the guidance system of your machine. Temporarily forgetting which University St Cedd's belonged to, you accidentally ended up in Oxford rather than Cambridge, inside some kind of sceintific institute. You wandered around for a little, got completely lost and temporarily mislaid your time machine, the current whereabouts of which are rather a worry to you. In the wrong hands it could be a little hazardous, to say the least. Finding yourself a suspect in the disappearance of a scientist (whose experiments sound to you as if they could dangerously alter the fabric of the Universe, though to convince anyone else of this involved waving your hands around a lot and looking rather foolish), and the murder of a cat (of whose species you have always been fond) worries you rather. You are delighted, however, to discover that your old friend Svlad Cjelli, or Dirk Gently as he insists on being called these days, is involved as well. You readily agree to meet him in The Turf at 8:30, along with some cleric who was also in the building that night. You rather suspect him of being an android, but don't see why that should prejudice you. He seems a nice enough chap, if a trifle gullible. 8:30- 9:00 The Turf You and the Monk are met by Dirk and his secretary, Miss Pearce. He tries to interview you about the evening in the Institute, but you feel a profound unease, partly due to the fact that you don't want to admit losing the time machine. You try to forestall him, first by explaining what you feel are the world-shattering implications of Low-Eggborough's research, and then by reminiscing about Wordsworth and other acquaintances of yours. 9:00- 9:30 The Turf Dirk and Miss Pearce leave, to talk to the other two suspects. Sergeant Gilks arrives soon after this in search of Dirk. He also tries to get facts out of you, but you feel more justified in becoming annoyed with him because he is at least an official. You very pointedly do not buy him a drink, and indeed become quite short with him after his persistent questioning. 9:30-10:00 The Lamb and Flag Gilks and your electronic friend leave, and you decide to move on to The Lamb and Flag. by a happy coincidence you meet Dirk, together with Toe Rag. To your horror, the latter seems to know about your time machine, and attempts to blackmail you. Meanwhile Dirk is behaving very oddly. You are vaguely worried about his sanity, but he usually seems to manage fairly well without one. 10:00-10:30 The Lamb and Flag Dirk eventually leaves to find someone called Thor. You stay behind to find out what Toe Rag knows about your machine, but you are interrupted by the arrival of Sergeant Gilks, in a rather shaken state, and the Monk, who is intent on persuading you that the Sergeant is actually the Messiah. Toe Rag persuades Gilks to arrest Dirk, and you follow them to the Eagle and Child, to try and help your friend if you can. 10:30onward The Eagle and Child You arrive to find Dirk in a very excited state, claiming to have discovered the answer to the particular part of the fundamental interconnectedness of all things that has been bothering him recently. Gilks tries to arrest him. You vaguely remonstrate with the policeman, but Thor intervenes and Gilks gives up. Dirk breathlessly reveals the answer to the problem. You listen with fascination, then have a drink. THE ELECTRIC MONK You have been on this planet for several years now, during which time you have believed a very large and varied number of things and people, including a man in a shell-suit who told you that you needed to increase the number of turquoise vibrations in the universe in order to become God, like he had. This has taken up a large amount of your time here, the rest being spent doing part-time election work for the Conservative Party. A week or so ago you arrived in Oxford, being under the impression that Norman Tebbit had appeared to you in a dream and told you to go there. After being under the firm belief that you lived in the Bodleian Library, and in consequence being thrown out of it rather often, you suddenly realised that Heaven was located in a large concrete building called the Wolfson-Radcliffe-Nuffield Institute. You therefore broke into it late one night and wandered round in a state of Nirvana before suddenly being accosted and asked if you knew anything about a disappeared scientist and a dead cat. You believe you do know something, but this of course is no guarantee that you actually do. You have been looked after since by a man you recognise as Elvis Presley, although everyone else calls him Professor Chronotis or Reg. 8:30- 9:00 The Turf You and Elvis go to a place called the Turf, where you are met by John Lennon and Yoko Ono (or, as Elvis insists on calling them, Dirk and Miss Pearce. You explain his mistake to him). John seems to want to know about what happened the other night, but you are more interested in Yoko, who is telling you about her problems with John. You believe (correctly, as it happens) that she is hard done by and needs sympathy and support. 9:00- 9:30 The Turf John and Yoko leave you both. You start believing that drinks belonging to other people are in fact your own. Then you are joined by Sergeant Gilks, who you immediately realise is the Messiah. You worship Him, and follow Him when He leaves. 9:30-10:00 The White Horse You follow the Messiah to the White Horse, where you find Yoko Ono and someone else who holds no particular interest for you. You continue to worship the Messiah, enjoining the others (who are clearly heretics) to do the same. The large blond stranger eventually claims to be a God. You, however, know this is completely silly and do not believe him for an instant. 10:00-10:30 The Lamb and Flag The Messiah goes to the Lamb and Flag for a quiet sit down, so naturally you follow Him, continuing to worship Him on the way and exhorting passers-by to do the same. You meet Elvis Presley and someone who is clearly Satan, who tries to tempt the Messiah. You sit there quietly adoring Him. When the Messiah leaves, you follow. 10:30onward The Eagle and Child The Messiah tries to arrest John Lennon. You naturally help Him, but are deeply troubled by the fact that the person who appears to be Satan is helping you. Yoko Ono, Elvis and the man who cannot possibly be a God try to stop you. The mounting confusion to your ancient and worn-out dogma-banks eventually sets off an emergency cut-out and all your faith files are wiped entirely clean. You wander vacantly around the pub for several minutes, trying to find statements to believe. Eventually you decide to write a Gospel about the barman. THOR You are irritated that being god of Thunder, God of Rain, God of the High Towering Clouds, God of Lightning and God of a Number of Other Things Which Temporarily Escape You does not appear to make you able effectively to rebel against your father, Odin. Due to some recent rather silly behaviour involving eagles and Coke machines, Odin has commanded you to subject yourself to the rules of the mortal world, and since the old bloke is getting on a bit and you don't want to upset him, this appears to mean enduring the ludicrous ravings of a policeman called Gilks and a ridiculous mortal called Gently. These ravings concern a cat you're fairly sure you didn't kill, and a scientist you are also convinced you didn't cause to disappear. You were having a revolting pint of ambrosia in a very seedy bar in the parallel universe wherein the Gods dwell, and returning to the Earth made a slight mistake in your trajectory and ended up in some kind of scientific institute. To your extreme discomfort, your Father's disgusting ex-employee Toe Rag met you almost immediately and tried to blackmail you by threatening to tell Odin you were breaking mortal laws by being there. At the moment you are getting increasingly annoyed, but have not yet reached the point where you decide to disobey Odin and have done with it. When you do reach this point, it could be rather unpleasant for Oxford. Or indeed the Thames Valley, depending on how irritated you get. In the meantime you have agreed to meet the ridiculous mortal Gently in a tavern. You could do with a drink in the meantime so you go to an establishment called the King's Arms. Toe Rag insists on following you. You are in a mood to get very, very drunk and extremely irritable. 8:30- 9:00 The King's Arms You realise that Gilks has followed you, but decide it is best to ignore him. You buy a pint of ale which you proceed to quaff in time-honoured Viking fashion. Toe Rag tries to blackmail you, Gilks appears and needles you with questions. You flare up several times, but manage to avoid using your Godly powers to destroy the inn. 9:00- 9:30 The White Horse Mainly to avoid Gilks, you storm out of the King's Arms in a temper and come to the White Horse. Toe Rag follows you, and you meet Gently and his secretary, Janice Pearce. You try to be patient with Gently (who you know once did the Gods a great favour), but are hampered by the fact that Janice (who you seem to remember seeing somewhere before) is clearly drunk, and equally clearly attracted to you. You have no time for mortal women at the moment. You take it out on Toe Rag. 9:30-10:00 The White Horse To your horror, when Gently leaves, Janice remains, getting more and more inebriated. Even Toe Rag goes, leaving you defenceless against her. You are eventually rescued by the arrival of Gilks (who seems to have some kind of worshipper in tow), but he annoys you even more and his presence appears not to inhibit Janice. You lose your temper completely, declare your immortality and carry out an awesome display of divine powers. 10:00-10:30 The Eagle and Child You storm out of the tavern in a filthy temper, leaving behind a very stunned clientele. You intend to destroy the whole of Broad Street, and the Bodleian Library, and possibly even St John's as well while you're in the mood, but Janice follows you, and, irritating as she is, manages to make you feel sufficiently guilty that you don't. She persuades you to go for a nice quiet drink at the Eagle and Child instead. Here you are immediately met by Gently, who needs the help of your divine powers. Hoping you can get this whole farce over with, you agree to what he wishes. It at least gives you an excuse to ignore Janice. 10:30onward The Eagle and Child The puny Gilks arrives with the Monk, Chronotis and the obscene Toe Rag. Gilks tries to arrest Gently. This is something you really feel justified in getting angry about, so you prevent him from doing this in whatever way seems to you most dramatic. Fe eling really satisfied, you buy several quarts of ale and sit quaffing them while Dirk explains the plot to the others. You also root Toe Rag to the spot to prevent him from leaving, which you feel is the least you can do. WARNING: GRATUITOUS SANDMAN QUOTE FOLLOWS... '...So I said to her, "I am Thor!" She said, "You're thor? I'm tho thore I can hardly pith! Hahahahahahaha!" Season of Mists TOE RAG You have a number of devious skills as an immortal which made it extremely easy to let yourself into the Wolfson-Radcliffe-Nuffield Institute on the night of the cat experiment. Your reasons for doing this are extremely devious, and you do not intend to reveal them. You also know perfectly well what happened to both the cat and the scientist, but you know you are a good enough liar to give no sign of this to the two human investigators, Gilks and Gently. You could, of course, slip back into your own universe and ignore them anyway, but the satisfaction of watching Thor (who has been forbidden by Odin to disobey human laws) being humiliated by mortals is far too enjoyable for you to spoil it. You follow Thor to the King's Arms, to his intense annoyance and your great satisfaction. 8:30- 9:00 The King's Arms You realise that you and Thor have been trailed by the policeman, Gilks, but feel it will be more amusing to let him. You blackmail Thor a little, hinting that he might have killed the cat and the scientist, and been, for instance, enchanted by some other God into forgetting it. You invent some spurious evidence to tell Gilks, which will throw suspicion on Thor. You also intend to steal someone's drink. The evening looks like being fun. 9:00- 9:30 The White Horse Thor leaves in a huff, so you follow him to another inn. Here you meet Gently and a mortal woman, Janice Pearce. You make plenty of insinuations against Thor. To your great delight, Janice is already drunk and clearly trying to get off with Thor. When Gently leaves, you leave them to it. 9:30-10:00 The Lamb and Flag Following Dirk to the Lamb and Flag, you discover to your malicious delight that he is meeting Professor Chronotis. You have known about Reg and his time machine for a long time, and you also know that it is currently lost (indeed you have more than a tenuous idea of its whereabouts). Sensing power, you threated to reveal the time machine's existence to the world at large unless the Professor collaborates with you in blaming Thor for the scientist's abduction in the Institute. Suddenly Dirk starts behaving rather more oddly than usual (the difference is subtle, but it's there), and you realise that he may have stumbled on a valuable piece of supernatural evidence that may conceivably incriminate you for one of the many things you are guilty of. You try to dissuade him from following it, but he sweeps off to find Thor. 10:00-10:30 The Lamb and Flag Sergeant Gilks arrives in rather a shaken state, followed by the Electric Monk. You try to persuade him to arrest Gently, but he insists on having several large drinks first. You concoct an ingeniously believable story (ignoring for the moment the Monk's injunctions on you to worship Gilks) proving that Dirk was entirely responsible for the death of the cat and the abduction of Professor Low-Eggborough. You try to persuade Chronotis to back you up. Finally Gilks appears to recover from his stupefied state, and follows Dirk to the Eagle and Child. You follow, not wishing to miss out on any unpleasantness. 10:30onward The Eagle and Child You do your best to aid Gilks in arresting Gently, but Thor intervenes and your powers are no match for his. Eventually Gently, who now knows the entire history of what happened in the Institute, reveals the plot to the others. You intend to slip quietl y away, but find yourself casually held in place by Thor's powers. You decide to give up and become an accountant. KATE SCHECHTER (two 'c's, two 'h's, two 'e's and also a 't', an 'r' and an 's') An American journalist, you have been living in Britain for some time now, and have recently settled in Oxford. When a University contact gave you the news of the break-in at the Wolfson-Radcliffe-Nuffield Institute, and moreover mentioned the name "Gently", you realised that you might finally make your name with an exclusive, and extremely bizarre, news story. You are determined, however, that the renewal of your acquaintance with Dirk will not this time involve you with gods, record contracts or, in particular, Toe Rag. Your aim is to retrieve a printable story from the rubble you are sure Dirk's investigations will leave, and get home before being blown up, taken to Valhalla, or seduced by Thor again. You are, in no particular order, weary of Dirk, wary of Thor, sympathetic but condescending to Janet, distrustful of Gilks, bemused by the Electric Monk, disgusted by Toe Rag, and very inclined to have a lot of drinks of the very small but very strong variety until you fall over. 8:30- 9:00 The King's Arms Your experience tells you that Toe Rag, even if he isn't responsible for the death of the cat, is in some manner up to mischief, so you follow him and Thor to Pub A. You are scarcely surprised when Toe Rag attempts various underhand tactics to implicate Thor, though it wouldn't surprise you either if Thor had become involved through sheer stupidity. You use your discretion, questioning the two immortals and (when he turns up) the annoying policeman, though you are wary of the latter's approach to Thor... 9:00- 9:30 The Turf Toe Rag is irritating you to the extent that when Gilks leaves you follow him instead, to see if he will tell you more. The policeman appears to believe Dirk may be in The Turf, so you try to follow him there. He is not, but you are able to meet Reg and the Monk for the first time. You warm to the latter as he apparently dedicates his life towards irritating Gilks. 9:30-10:00 The White Horse You follow Gilks and the Monk to The White Horse, where you continue to try pumping him for information. You also encounter Dirk's secretary, who seems to you for some reason hauntingly familiar... Realising you are unlikely to get very far with your investigatio ns this evening, you address instead the pressing business of drinking yourself under the table. 10:00-10:30 The Eagle and Child In a final effort to get some sense out of someone (though your ability to comprehend it if you did is steadily decreasing), you seek out Dirk in The Eagle and Child, accompanied to your unnervement by Thor and Janice. You find Dirk, and, naturally enough, many strange things going on. You join in whatever Dirk is planning, partly out of journalistic curiosity, and partly in sheer awe at his wierdness. 10:30 onward The Eagle and Child You listen as Dirk expounds at the company. You are extremely frustrated that, although this is possibly the most astonishing news story you have ever encountered, any sane editor will consider it far too ludicrous to print... Dirk's final revelation ma kes it logically impossible for you to print it anyway, so you subdue your disappointment in several more drinks. RICHARD MACDUFF A tall computer consultant and former student of Professor Urban Chronotis, whom you know as Reg, you are in Oxford for a computer conference with your fianc‚e, Susan Way. You were startled to meet your former tutor in the street this morning, and discover that he is some undefined kind of trouble (as usual he is extremely evasive on the suject). You were (justifiably) so alarmed when he let slip the name of Gently, that you have insisted on accompanying him to his assignation with your old college friend at The Turf tonight. You suspect your chances of understanding anything that is going on to be low, but you are nevertheless determined to help Reg if at all possible. 8:30- 9:00 The Turf You meet up with Dirk, and are astonished at how quickly he exasperates you beyond endurance, just like old times. You try to get somebody to explain anything to you, and also remind Dirk that he owes you three hundred and fifty-seven drinks from your Cambridge years. 9:00- 9:30 The Turf You remain with Reg when Dirk leaves, babbling of cats, and try to press him further on his bizarre problems. You are further alarmed when an unusually irritating policeman arrives and refuses to buy you a drink. You are struck by the forceful personality of the American, Kate Schechter, and reflect on how terribly dull your fianc‚e Susan is. 9:30-10:00 The White Horse Ostensibly to tail Gilks and find out more about his intentions, you travel to The White Horse largely in order to try and talk to Kate. Your mind is unable to cope with the physically impossible behaviour of the enormous blond man, and you need many drinks before you feel fully recovered. 10:00-10:30 The Eagle and Child Following Kate more by reflex than anything, you find yourself in Dirk's company once more, and fall in mindlessly with any suggestion he makes, regardless of how weird or obscene. You are sufficiently aware, however, to demand payment in drinks. 10:30onward The Eagle and Child You listen open-mouthed as Dirk spouts the most magnificent rubbish at everybody. You drink quite a lot as well. SUSAN WAY Violinist and fianc‚e, you are less boring than people think, honestly. You are in Oxford with your fiance‚ Richard MacDuff, for a computer conference he is pretending to believe is a holiday. He is alarmed to have met an old Cambridge tutor of his in so me kind of trouble, and is insisting on spending the evening with the old man to see if he can be of help to him. You have gone along with him to see if he wants to pay any attention you you at all. 8:30- 9:00 The Turf You meet with Richard's old tutor, who you find extremely white, fluffy and sweet. You find Dirk Gently enormously less so. You have no idea what anyone is talking about, so try to engage random people, including passers-by, in conversation, to try and gain Richard's attention in some way. 9:00- 9:30 The Turf A policeman and an American journalist arrive. You are extremely jealous to notice the drooling expression which crosses Richard's face on seeing the latter. You decide to drink too much and flirt outrageously with Reg. 9:30-10:00 The Lamb and Flag Richard abandons you for the American floozy (in order, he claims, to follow the policeman...), so you drink some more, and flirt outrageously with all the men present. 10:00-10:30 The Lamb and Flag You drink very much more, and flirt outrageously with anything on legs. 10:30onward The Eagle and Child You listen to Dirk spouting a great deal of incomprehensible drivel, then drink a bit.